I am a full blown feeler.
What is that you ask? It's being a somatic person.
What is somatic you ask, well let's look it up….
Hold on while I get the definition….
“relating to the body, especially as distinct from the mind” (google knows so many things, but not all of them) so in other words, being somatic means I FEEL everything in my body both good and bad, I process physically and carry trauma through my nervous system.
As I let go of the many things in my life I have become acutely aware of the physical pain my trauma has caused my body to carry.
For example these are things I used to feel:
Headaches (and I mean a constant stress tension that just won't go away)
Muscle spasms
Backache
Electric shocks running through my body
A pain in my neck
Hip and knees aching
Grinding teeth
Pacing
Over sleeping
Starving and overeating
This is just a few of the major symptoms I have had over the years and all at the same time!
Being all feely has caused many many issues over my life, from not being able to hold down a job (depression and unacknowledged anxiety helped here too) some days making it impossible to even get out of bed, which in turn makes things worse. It is a vicious cycle when we are trapped by our somatic selves. I fight with myself all the time to get up and “do the things”.
I have been a slave to how I feel rather than what I have committed to. Again this causes a multitude of problems for life as we have many things we must commit to just to survive. I hate surviving, I hate being controlled by anything let alone my own body.
However as I have begun to deep dive into my own self and begin to heal old wounds, my body is responding in kind and symptoms I have had for decades are literally melting away or becoming non existent, I had so many odd symptoms I thought I had multiple sclerosis at one point and was terrified that my quality of life may be slipping and going to get worse. I had tests done, bloodwork etc, nothing was “wrong” with me. Like nothing. I'm pretty healthy, so why, why am I hurting so badly?
STUPID TRAUMA thats why.
I have worked really hard not to let these things control me, but they did, have, and still do sometimes. As I have come to terms with my facts and accept things like I have major anxiety, and I struggle with depression. I need medication to help me navigate all this stuff.
It has been really hard to face the music that I can’t produce the hormones and chemicals needed to make me “happy’ or less anxious. They have helped tremendously so I am trying really hard not to feel inadequate because I need them. I should be able to just POOF and fix myself because I want to change. Oh if it were only that easy.
Back to letting go.
As I purposely work through my past and become more present, I notice that all these major symptoms began to go away. Really really go away and stop hurting. I was able to work through a childhood memory and core belief a month or so ago, not less than an hour after my session I was stretching my neck and POP, my neck cracked in the exact spot that has been ailing me for decades! As long as I can remember! And I no longer feel that pain. Unless I begin to slip back into living in the feels and not in the moment and truth. I have let go.
All of this hard work of letting go has allowed me to know when I am becoming overwhelmed as the symptoms do return if I go back there or allow myself to wear out. I now pay attention to WHAT is hurting and it gives me clues as to what is bothering me or weighing me down. It is worth “facing the music” in your own body. Listen to the song it is singing to you, and find the lyrics that will heal that song and turn your tune into something joyous and full of light with less pain and aches!
Now before you get all down thinking that being a feely person is all bad, it is not. Not even close. Things always have an opposite, which means that not only do we feel aches and pains extraordinarily, we also feel pleasure in massive quantities. This can make us look like pleasure seekers and avoidant of work. This can be true , however I know I work just as hard as I play.
When I am able to be clear headed and in the moment I work and work well.
Another positive is the way I feel music, I don’t just hear it, it is always a full body experience, I also can sense things quicker and pick up on cues because my feelers are always out. This can also be a symptom of chronic abuse. Hyperawareness was and is a coping and protection mechanism. It can be a double edged sword as I can be very intuitive but I can also not be and it doesn't always allow for in the moment convos to go so well as I am constantly guessing as to what is coming next so I can be prepared. How exhausting!
Being a feeler is not bad, it does take work to not allow it to control my life. That is my constant battle. Do I let how I feel dictate what my day is like? Do I hold to my commitments and push through the FEELS? I am trying to choose the latter more often than the former. Some days I win and some I lose. It is getting easier every time I say no to myself for the reason of a previous commitment. I feel so amazing after having followed through, and that is worth it.
As I let go of things I thought were helping and found things that really do help, my “feelings” have changed, which means I really shouldn't rely on them as truth because they are mutable and easily swayed by wanting to avoid pain or discomfort.
My commitments are not. As I let go, I will continually battle as this is my fight, and I am ok with this because the other side of the “feels'' is a good place to be and a privilege to experience.
Until next time, Feel the feels and stick to the commitments. Feelings are not bad, they just are, however they do not get to rule my life.
Much love my people.
Until next time,
"Iphelia Mann" is the pen name of a very articulate, creative, amazing human on a journey of self-discovery...with the goal of unpacking her baggage and throwing away the suitcases.