An Unpleasant Truth~by Waylon Lewis

...And so will he.

Oh no, he won’t, because men don’t have rights in this situation.


Let's try a real-life exercise:

Years ago, "Red Person" digitally and physically stalked, attacked & threatened "Blue Person."

One night, Red Person drove to the home of Blue Person, and furious about their breakup, held down the doorbell (the sound of stress-screeching, personified) for 20 minutes at ~1:30 am. Blue Person was inside their home with their sweet dog (who obediently just sat up at attention, didn't bark) and slowly got dressed to run out the back door in case Red Person, banging on the front glass screen door so hard it nearly buckled, again and again, broke in. Blue Person was shaking like a leaf.

Blue Person should call the police! But no: Blue had called a lawyer a week or so before (at the urging of Blue's religious community, who'd kicked Red out of two spiritual centers already) and she (the lawyer) said: "don't file a restraining order. It'll just create more war. Don't call the cops. Even if you're inside in your PJs, and she's outside? (Red had come over uninvited many times already.) Nope—they'll just take the Blue away in a Blue said/Red said situation."

Red is a woman. Blue, a man. Now imagine the above with the genders reversed, and see how our brains interpret the dynamics differently.

I get it. Men are often the abusive gender. And yet, men are abused by woman, sometimes. And we have no recourse when we are.

I wish the best for Red. I genuinely do. I don't want further war. I did make mistakes—I was angry, I did want her to leave me alone—but never wanted to hurt her.

I have nothing but love and sadness for her.

Well, that's not true—I have appreciation for her. I learned how to be a more patient, grounded, healed human being. I've seen my meditation instructor every two weeks, for years, and we discuss those times, some times.

Those times taught me what to look for, in a partner. Sanity. Groundedness. A willingness to take blame or let go or laugh, instead of engaging in word warfare.

May we all have a joyful life.

May we continue to learn. May we heal. May we be of benefit. May we believe no one without evidence, and yet listen to everyone—including men who may have been abused, too.

Post by Waylon Lewis - reposted in its entirety from Elephant Journal 12/01/2019

#intimatepartnerviolence #repost #waylonlewis #elephantjournal

Dr. Susannah writes...

Intimate Partner Violence is an issue with which we are intimately acquainted. In our practice we facilitate a group therapy program for individuals who use violence in their relationships as a way of relating. For this purpose, we use the definition of violence that Mahatma Gandhi espoused:

Any attempt to impose my will on another is an act of violence.

Did you catch that? This means that any individual may be guilty of abusing another, and this happens regularly in intimate partnerships. Very few people actually intend to be abusers; it happens because of their inadequate relational skills and for a very small percentage, because they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Sociopathic Personality Disorder or some other DSM 5 diagnosable personality disorder. (Truly, this is a very small percentage of the people actually committing acts of abuse in intimate relationships.) Make no mistake: garden-variety 'selfishness' is not narcissism.

For the vast majority, utilizing abusive/coercive/controlling behaviours in intimate relationships is a direct result of Family of Origin dynamics and modelling, attachment style, life experiences in previous relationships, and personality. This is not a gender-based description, this is a "Welcome to the Human Race," reality.

So let's clear up the elephant in the room and make space for a discussion. Every human being on the planet has the potential to be violent ~ given the right circumstances, we can ALL be physically, mentally, emotionally, &/or psychologically inappropriate. When intimate partner violence happens, we know that if a man becomes physically violent, the damage is statistically likely to be greater than if a woman becomes physically violent, and the ratio is 4:1. As with all bell curves, the outliers are there. Males and females may both be accomplished at manipulative, coercive, controlling, and underhanded violence, and the damage from this type of violence is equally devastating. Addressing the reality that both men and women may perpetrate violence against their partners does not constitute a denial any of the other data on frequency, severity, ratio of men-women, etc., etc., etc.

No. This post is about the fact that both genders are impacted by this issue and there are virtually NO resources or supports for men experiencing violence in intimate partner relationships. This extends from the police simply accepting the female version of the "He said/She said" of a domestic violence callout, to men having nowhere to go if they have to leave an abusive relationship in the middle of the night.

Domestic violence against men is frequent and significant, and a rarely acknowledged fact. ~