Can't. Ever. Stop.

”You’re allowed to be tired.”

Kevin Clevenger (IG/Tiktok: @ironsanctuary) makes the connection between performance (doing) and worth. This isn’t a new thing - performance-based worth - but it is vital to revisit this toxic belief system fairly often. 

What happens when you sit down for a minute? Almost inevitably someone shows up and says something like, “What’cha doin?” Or, “Since you’re not doing anything, you can help me with this (or do this, or finish this, or…).”

Sometimes, we don’t need anyone to come along and ‘catch’ us doing nothing. We sit for five minutes and the Asshat Committee in our heads starts up.

“You have too much to do to sit here. What are you doing? You have things to do.”

Maybe your Asshat Committee is really polite like that, but in reality, most people’s internal voice is harsh, judgemental, or outright cruel. (The Asshat Committee is an interesting phenomenon, but I’ll save it for another post.)

Performance-based worth is toxic to mental health because it perpetuates a belief system that says an individual’s value is tied directly to what they accomplish or achieve, rather than their inherent worth as a person. Acceptance = Performance.

While this belief can fuel short-term achievement, it is a toxic foundation for long-term mental health. It substitutes genuine, inherent self-worth with a constantly shifting, conditional value system, creating a cycle of self-doubt, anxiety, and eventually, burnout.

• It Creates an Existential Fear of Failure

When your sense of self-worth is entirely tied to what you achieve, a failure in your performance doesn't feel like a setback—it feels like an existential crisis. You are no longer a person who stewards a role; you become the role. When the role collapses, your sense of self goes with it.

• It Fuels Imposter Syndrome and Insecurity

Ironically, the people who are often the highest achievers in a performance-based system are the ones who suffer most from Imposter Syndrome. Why? Because when success is the only source of acceptance, it never feels permanent or secure.

• It Enforces Emotional Suppression

To stay in the performance game, you must project an image of competence, control, and emotional impenetrability. Vulnerability becomes a threat to your perceived value.

• It Destroys the Value of Rest and Connection

In a performance-based model, your worth is only generating when you are doing or producing. This transforms essential human needs into evidence of guilt or negligence.

Truth: It is impossible to change what I will not acknowledge. 

The definition of self-esteem that we use in our practice is:

“Holding myself in warm regard, accepting my strengths and weaknesses as they are and not making more or less of either than is actually true.”

Why this matters is because it separates who I am, from what I do. If I choose to embrace my strengths, without hubris, and acknowledge my weaknesses without becoming self-effacing, I have the potential to change. The antidote to performance-based worth, is unconditional self-acceptance.  

• Separate Self from Performance: You are the crate, and your actions, achievements, and failures are the oranges inside. When an orange is rotten (a mistake), you can criticize and address the orange without throwing away the whole crate (yourself).

• Embrace Fallibility: True self-acceptance means allowing yourself to be imperfect. It is the ability to say, "I made a mistake, and I am still a person of worth."

• Practice Self-Compassion: Speak to yourself like you would a trusted friend. Would you tell a friend, "You are worthless because you failed that project"? No. You would offer empathy and encouragement. You deserve the same kindness.

The journey to better mental health starts when you realize that your inherent value is stable, secure, and non-negotiable, regardless of your last win or loss. 

If the pressure of performance-based thinking is contributing to significant anxiety, depression, or burnout, seeking support from a counsellor or mental health coach can provide you with the tools to heal the roots of conditional self-worth.

Check out Can’t. Ever. Stop. Part II - Practical techniques for building unconditional self-acceptance. (In February's MIND / MATTER).

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From the Desk of: Susannah-Joy Schuilenberg, MREd, CRTC Clinical Director & Complex Trauma Specialist