Finding the Therapist* Who 'Gets' You

"When the student is ready, the teacher appears..."** and sometimes it feels like out of nowhere. Most people eventually take the path of therapy when they’ve exhausted their ability to run away from pain hovering like a drone in the background of their internal narrative.

If the background droning gets loud enough, it possesses an energy field that can disrupt our lives in ways we aren't prepared for. In mental health, it is common that the will to change happens only when the pain of the present overcomes the fear of facing our own internal landscape. That internal buzzing can also drive the search for a therapist or coach who sees through it and has the right set of intentions combined with training to help us confront, adapt, heal and grow. 

We want the person we trust with our baggage to be so good at their job - at creating safe space for the client to be seen and heard, sometimes for what feels like the first time - that an authentic connection develops between therapist and client, creating the foundation on which the work of therapy is accomplished.

The bedrock of therapy should be safety.

That’s how you know you’re in the right place. When you step into that room and your nervous system picks up signals that it can be there, in all the messiness of its suppressed and foaming emotions, then you know everything will be okay. What might those signals be? The right mental health coach will...

• hold space with active listening and gentle reception

• create calm for your mayhem

• hear you say things out loud that you've never said to anyone else. Ever

• gently hold up a mirror for you to see yourself as you really are

• engage with you and your story without judgment

• celebrate your commitment, your courage, and your journey

• affirm and validate you, your strengths, and your autonomy

They’ll be able to feel out the pace that’s best for you, challenging you with truths you need to hear in order to heal, rather than for the sake of confirming a bias of their own, which means they’ll check themselves regularly while remaining committed to your best interest. Trauma-informed specialists will also have their own accountability check-ins to get the support they themselves need to verify the perceptions and guidance they’re offering you. It’s not at all easy being an alchemical container, which is essentially what a good therapist is; they hold their humanness steady, so that you can heal your own. 

There are sticky parts to finding the right guide to lead us out of longstanding trauma, such as the counsellor's own humanness which may be triggered by the client and then projected, sometimes re-traumatizing the one seeking help. If it doesn't feel right, or the therapist says or does something that stuns you, or wounds you, trust your gut. If you don't have the capacity to call out the problem immediately, you can write to the therapist, look for a new therapist, or if the behaviour is significant, lodge a complaint with the regulatory body that credentials that professional. In any case, it is your experience that matters, and if it isn't good, then that psychotherapist is not your person.

It’s your right to ask the clinic or center that you’re thinking of visiting any questions you need answered. Questions for a potential therapist or mental health coach might include their professional experience, specializations, relatability in life experience, and how they actually work. Does if feel like their style will mesh with you?  This can be more important than it first seems. Are you intimidated by bluntness? Feel like you've wasted your time when the entire session consisted of the therapist reflecting back to you? Are you offended by profanity? It's a good idea to ask your potential coach or therapist if they swear. Really. These "little" things can, and often do, get in the way of forming that critically important therapeutic relationship necessary for the work that needs to be accomplished.

It may not seem that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, but the space where the work will take place is actually important. Is it comfortable? Too clinical? Do you like the vibe the space holds? Do you feel welcome from the moment you step inside? Is it evident in the space that the professionals who work there are real people?

With a little bit of introductory conversation, you’ll be able to get a sense of whether the therapist will keep you safe while you dive into your wounds. And remember, the process will most certainly feel painful because it is all about feeling your pain in order to get through it. That does not mean it isn’t working.

A good therapist will let you freak out a little bit about that without rescuing you, and still meet you with conscious empathy and self accountability. The right therapist is the one for you because of a blend of qualities that simply make you treat yourself better, and hence feel better. They’ll just get you, and help you embrace the mess as just a part of the beautiful whole. 

*also counsellor, mental health coach, psychotherapist

**Lao Tzu/Buddhist tradition "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready, the teacher will disappear."

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Writer bio: https://www.wacs.ca/profile/noora-sj/profile

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