The Villain Narrative (or Various Shades of Shame)
- Noora Kassem & Susannah-Joy Schuilenberg
- Apr 2
- 3 min read
Shame is a tricky one. Sometimes it’s a teacher, but other times it’s a toxic bully that locks us in a mental cage, making us hate ourselves. It gets in the way of us being "whole"—which isn't about being perfect, by the way. It’s just about being okay with the fact that we’re a mix of joy, pain, strengths, and messy weaknesses.
Lately, it feels like everyone is talking about mental health disorders. But honestly? Most of those conversations are missing a huge piece of the puzzle: compassion.
Usually, these talks feel like a giant finger-wagging session. We see endless lists of "red flags" and "how to spot a villain." While that’s helpful for safety, it’s also a bit one-sided. It keeps us stuck in a "victim vs. monster" loop that doesn't actually lead to healing.
When the media just bashes people with mental health challenges or disorders, it’s like pouring salt in a wound already made of shame. Most of the time, the message is just, ‘These people are evil or beyond help.’ But, if we actually want to move toward real healing, we have to look deeper than that. We need a conversation that doesn't just write people off as hopeless because they fall on the ‘wrong side’ of the binary narrative society has created.
The "Villain" Narrative
For example, the internet is currently obsessed with "narcissism." Most of the talk is pretty one-dimensional—a list of behaviours that constitute ‘evidence’ justifying a label of narcissism, and dire predictions of disastrous outcomes. Don't get me wrong, identifying abuse is vital for survival, but stopping there is a bit of a dead end.
If we just label people as, “sick,” or "evil," or "a villain" and call it a day, we stay stuck in a victim mindset and miss the bigger picture. We share a planet with these folks (many of whom are in positions of power) so, "just run away" isn't always a complete, nor even possible, solution. We need to understand the why if we want to actually heal the system.
What’s in the Basement?
What makes someone so rigid that they’d rather lie pathologically than admit a mistake? What does the "basement" of that person's mind actually look like?
According to researchers, the core issue is often shame intolerance. For some, shame doesn't just feel "bad"—it feels life-threatening.
Shame vs. Accountability
In a healthy world, shame works like this:
You mess up.
You feel a sting of shame.
You own it, fix it, and learn.
That’s called emotional regulation. But for someone experiencing toxic shame, that "sting" feels like a fatal blow. To survive, their brain builds a massive wall of ego and denial to keep the shame out. The problem? That same wall keeps accountability out, too.
How to Break the Cycle
The good news is that we can actually rewire our nervous systems to handle these heavy hits. If you're interested in how to move from "reacting" to "regulating," I highly recommend checking out Dr. Nicole LePera’s work (The Holistic Psychologist). Her methods focus on:
Becoming the "observer" of your feelings.
Teaching your body it’s safe to feel a "sting" without spiraling.
Breaking generational habits of shame.
When someone can’t process that shame—maybe because of deep-seated trauma—they dig their heels in to save their identity. Instead of looking inward, they try to control everything and everyone around them to avoid feeling that pain.
Neglected shame, even more than the trauma itself, is what billows into abusive behaviour. The pain has to go somewhere, so it gets projected onto others. Then, the people around them often react with their own shame and defensiveness, and suddenly you have a cycle of dysfunction that, when zoomed out, looks a lot like the "war machine" we see on the world stage.
It’s stunted growth fueled by a lack of vulnerability. Healing isn't just about labeling the "bad guys"; it's about understanding the mechanics of the human heart so we can finally break the cycle.
P.S. Narcissism is a psychiatric diagnosis based on very specific diagnostic criteria. The vast majority of what is currently labelled ‘narcissism’ is actually the observable, self-protective behaviour of an individual with a “basement full of toxic shame;” In itself very often the consequence of childhood trauma. Selfish? Yes. Self-centered? For sure. Narcissism? Probably not. Approximately 4%-6% of people in Canada meet the diagnostic criteria for NPD. There is a significant difference between "narcissistic traits" (which many people have) and the clinical "personality disorder" (which is a rigid, lifelong pattern).
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Writer bio: https://www.wacs.ca/profile/noora-sj/profile
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